Audition Thoughts Part 11

Originally blogged June 1, 2012

Lest ye forget...

 ...your deodorant and beta blockers.

Put on your husband's deodorant and eat bananas.

Just played...made a lot of small but stupid mistakes. *SCREAM*

There are only 4 bassoonists at this audition, carefully selected from resumes and CD's. In a way, I feel like I already won a little something with that.

This audition is different in so many ways:

-my husband is with me
-we drove
-it's a remote western city
-I forgot my stinkin' beta blocker *SCREAM*
-I played my Mozart very differently from how I've done it in the past...hopefully the "right" way
-it's a Principal audition
-my husband wants me to win it
-I over-practiced 2 days ago which is profoundly bad

Audition Thoughts Part 10

Originally blogged May 22, 2012

I felt very unprepared for this audition (I'm noticing a theme...) because of 2 excerpts I simply didn't have ready. But the prelim round was standard and despite some rather obnoxious warm up behavior from another bassoonist, I was very pleased with my playing. Everything went without a hitch and my Brahms excerpt...well...it was stunningly quiet! I heard the audition before me, a bassoonist that did advance. He took everything fast but also very clean and flawless. I'm not surprised at all that he advanced and realized that compared to him my playing was clean but not as impressive. However, this whole process really is individual and comparing myself to others is not a worthwhile endeavor.

I am happy with my dynamic range and musicality. I'm happy with my tempos and technic. I think that I now need to really work for that *sparkle* of sound, work for more forward movement - without speed necessarily - and I think I might need to achieve just a slightly darker tone. I know I am a bit on the bright side which is dictated by what I do locally as a free lancer but I don't think it's working for these second bassoon auditions.

Birmingham is a lovely city! If this audition opens again, and I can get a reasonable flight, I will definitely take it again.

Overall, I'm very content with this audition and so much happier with what I did here, over what "went down" in N'Orlans 2 weeks ago.

Funny realization: after chatting with a few other bassoonists, I realized I was not the only one who had adopted the strategy of going to Alabama assuming all the hot shots would be in Jacksonville for that audition. After chatting with my best friend who was at the Jacksonville audition I learned there were only 26 at the Jacksonville audition. In Alabama...over 40!

Whoops! I guess we all had the same brilliant idea!

Audition Thoughts Part 9

Originally blogged May 21, 2012

 The very pretty view outside my hotel window.

A great complimentary breakfast: banana, bagel, water, juice, beta blocker - well that wasn't part of the comp breakfast.

My best friend, also a bassoonist, taking an audition today as well, in a different city. Texting back and forth about paranoid hotel playing.

A fun note from another SLC free lancer, and fabulous woman and mama, with the MOST PERFECT youtube video ever describing the audition process. Will have to post later.

Accepting that I'm not prepared for this audition but I can still make the rest as beautiful as possible.

Simply knowing I'm not alone. There are several bassoon auditions happening around the country this month and next. A few bassoonists will get lucky and win. Most will return home unvictorious (is that a word? not according to my spellcheck).

At some point, we are ALL having the exact same thought: I hope I'm good enough.

I hope I'm good enough.

Audition Thoughts Part 8

Originally blogged May 20, 2012

 I think the greatest obstacle to overcome with taking auditions is the expense. You spend years in schools, practicing, gigging, learning, and you know that eventually you just have to start taking auditions. It's complicated because you have to lay out a lot of money and if you don't have cash, or a spouse, it seems like an impossibility. This is why I never auditioned until several years after I finished my fancy conservatory undergrad and even then, I did only 1, and it was only a CD round.

For me, every audition is cross country. Every audition requires a rental car, hotel and flight. Some people question the rental car but with a package deal, they aren't that much - you would almost spend the same on a taxi but with a rental you aren't stuck dealing with local transportation or hotel shuttles. Plus the rental affords the opportunity to stay wherever the cheaper hotel is.

Ahhhh...cheap hotels!

I have been really lucky booking hotels that have been cheap but quite nice. A few have even been quite fancy. This audition trip is an exception. We always book through various travel sites. It's never been an issue to stay in something locally owned because the travel site will typically vette the hotel with customer reviews, or at least they are suppose to.

After my very tiring red eye flight, I checked into the "hotel." Exhausted, I was eager to pull out reeds and then nap. But this hotel was really a community of short term apartments...people were living there...and not America's finest. My "suite" had cigarette holes in the covers, the lightening fixture in the bathroom was broken, mold all over the tub, stains all over the carpet, paint patches everywhere, upholstery stains...and on and on.

It was beyond nasty and I was genuinely concerned about my safety and the rental car. At the same time, I don't want to be a diva. My husband works really hard to provide these trips for me and I don't want to be picky. That being said, something like this can totally throw you off your game mentally.  Obsessing about my safety or how gross the bed linens are would have a huge impact on my ability to focus on why I am here.

After sitting there in total mental stupor I called travelocity. More than an hour later, I was able to get approval for a refund and checked in to a Holiday Inn Express.

We spend between $500 - $800 per audition...with a lot of variables.

In 2006 I was in a hotel somewhere between Georgia and NY. I was traveling alone. After taking a shower a strange man came and knocked on my door...and wouldn't leave. He pounded over and over with increasing intensity. I had noticed him when I was emptying my car and felt a very strong impression that there was something wrong. It was one of the scariest experiences of my life. I felt trapped in my room, the front office didn't care, it was a roach motel in a bad part of town. But I learned, especially as a woman traveling alone, safety has to come first. It's great when you can save a buck but not at the cost of your personal safety.

Re: audition prep -
At this point I have taken a long nap but I'm totally disoriented and almost dizzy with fatigue. I will NEVER red eye an audition again! My husband reminded me that any other flight would have been over $1000. So I have come to a conclusion: I will not take auditions that require a red-eye or plane tickets for over $1,000. Lesson learned, should be a fun audition tomorrow.

Audition Thoughts Part 7

Originally blogged May 20, 2012

Saturday morning I opened the back door to let our dog Sola out and right at my feet was a tiny baby sparrow. We have a nest in our eaves and I've been watching the busy sparrow mama for a few months. I called to my husband, "Babe, come look at this cute baby bird - " but sooner than I could finish the sentence, Sola attacked!  Mouth open, wolf instinct rearing! That little bird fluttered and jerked and sweet little Sola did her best to keep that struggling bird in her mouth. I proceeded to scream, "STOP, NO, SOLA, NOOOO!" She kept at it and I yelled for my husband, "Hurry, come save this bird! SOLA'S EATING A BIRD." With a little more panicked screaming (sorry neighbors) Sola dropped the bird and proceeded to run in circles with her tail tucked, clearly wanting to pounce but not wanting to get in trouble, until finally she climbed under my polyester house Mumu. My husband finally came, picked up the alive though clearly non-operational bird and decidedly threw it into our neighbor's yard...where it has likely been eaten by their 2 dogs. I gasped, "You are going to hell for that! You will have to account for this on your day of reckoning!" Perhaps I was a little frazzled as I had been up since 4 am.

What does this have to do with auditions? Well, I'm still working that out. If I was thinking more clearly, I'm certain the audition metaphor would present itself.

Between my return home from New Orleans and my departure to Alabama, I had 11 days. Plenty of time to refocus and prepare. But then life set in, and a massive allergy flare up, laryngitis, an awesome cough, and weeklong visit from in-laws, a week off from work for my husband, and a very needy 9 year old son...mix...and poof! I have had exactly 1 meaningful practice session in the last 11 days.

I awoke at 4 am on Saturday, cooked meals for the men folk, had national guard drill from 3 - 9 pm with an outdoor concert and then boarded a red-eye flight to the east coast.

The level of not-awesomeness going into this audition is fantastically staggering. There are 2 excerpts on this audition I have never prepared. They remain essentially unprepared.

I go with God on this one.

I guess I'm like Sola and that little baby bird.  I have a deep instinct to take these auditions, it's what I have been trained for.   So I take them.  But at the same time, sometimes I go into these auditions and I know it's all wrong.  Either because I'm not prepared, or because I realize I can't imagine moving my family there, or some other reason.  Like Sola, I'm biting down instinctually and also trying to resist biting down, dropping the bird and running in circles with my tail between my legs.  I have the instinct to embark on this crazy quest but it often feels like I'm running in circles, losing opportunities, afraid to do the very thing I'm trained to do. 

Audition Thoughts Parts 6

Originally blogged May 8, 2012

 Today I am exponentially more irritated than I was yesterday. After the audition I enjoyed some phone conversations totally unrelated to the audition and then drove to Baton Rouge to see an old battle buddy I went through boot camp with 11 years ago. That was very special! We shared a lot of hilarious memories, looked at pictures where I weigh about 140 lbs. and look very fit. That was the ultimate diversion.  If I was really intelligent I would have spent some of my visit in Baton Rouge playing excerpts for the bassoon prof at LSU.

This day, the day after, I'm tired and irritated because I have such a late flight and I really just want to be home.

Here is where my thoughts have taken me today. All are rather reactionary and all could be accurate and also totally inaccurate.  This blogging series is about capturing the essence of what goes through my mind through-out this process, unfiltered.  Here is my stream of consciousness for the past 24 hours:

• 3 people advanced from my group, 2 had the same teacher, and neither was better than me. No ego, no narcissism, just reporting what I heard very clearly in the warm up.
• Either people are lying to me or these auditions are on the fix.
• Maybe I should spend less on auditions and more on traveling to play for different people. Maybe I should stop auditions all together.
• Restarting an excerpt, despite what people say, is not "acceptable."
• My best is simply not good enough.
• There must be something weird about my sound.
• Maybe I should apply for a post grad program - NOT a D.M.A.
• Going into the Army instead of doing a masters at Juilliard was apparently foolish.
• Working summers to keep some control on my student loan debt instead of going to the summer programs I was accepted to was also apparently foolish.
• Reading bios of musicians in the orchestra was depressing.
• This whole thing is stupid because I "could" win the next one.
• Maybe I should be taking principal auditions instead of second auditions. Maybe my sound isn't right for second.
• I'm going to ask to get the feedback on this audition just in case they might be willing this time.
• New Orleans smells like sweat, pee, and mold. The streets are really crappy and people drive like maniacs.
• I'm so fat! I'M SOOOOO FAT! Maybe if I was 26 and skinny again I would play differently.
• I should take more auditions.
• I should back out of the 3 I have to do this season.
• I wonder how many people think my playing is crap.

********************************************************

That's a decent summary. Most of those thoughts, I know, are meaningless but for the sake of recording the experience of the audition process, it's my honest rendering of my inner-conversation.

Really just wish I was home right now.

Audition Thoughts Part 5

Originally blogged May 7, 2012

I drew number 1! I have to admit that I was so happy to go first. Get it done and then feel the sense of relief. I liked my Mozart concerto and the Marriage of Figaro went well! Great progress on those crucial fronts. Next was the first Bartok excerpt, I squawked the last note - shockingly I did the exact same thing in this exact audition the last time I was here, I was totally conscious of it and I still biffed it. Need to fix that!!! Final excerpt was Brahms 3:4 -- to A. I started and for the first time was brave enough to ask for a restart. I'm not very pleased I did that but if the option is there, why not show the panel you can play it correctly.

Now I'm waiting. My perspective is this: my first audition of the season with 3 more. Nothing is lost if it ends right here. I gained important inner feedback and know what I can work towards for the Alabama audition in 2 weeks. I go home to our cute home, freelance work, Utah Wind Symphony, and Trio de Bois - I'm still a professional musician! If I do advance = AWESOME!

****************************************************************************

My number was not called. Of course it stings a little because I certainly didn't hear playing that was any more spectacular than mine. But that is the luck of the draw. Maybe if I hadn't popped the note in Bartok or restarted Brahms...or maybe not.

Who knows!

Audition Thoughts Part 4

Originally blogged May 7, 2012


 Beta Blockers

The fact is, everyone is taking them. Every professional musician I have ever asked admits using them and credits winning their job to having a beta blocker in their system. I do not believe that this qualifies as a metaphor for jumping off the Brooklyn bridge along with other wayward souls.  I do believe in evening out the playing field.

I don't believe that I have any extraordinary performance anxiety. However, when you dump thousands of dollars into flights, hotels, rental cars, lessons, etc in pursuit of "the job", you do start to care...a lot. That desire to justify your expense certainly adds a lot of pressure and that pressure can make anyone sweat.

I have tried the beta blocker you see here and another one that was way too strong for me. I took the stronger one when I auditioned for Knoxville and had to be awoken in my warm up room to play the audition. Clearly I was too calm! I have settled on this medication, taking 1 tablet about 2 hours before the audition. I don't take these regularly, these are reserved for auditions and the occasional very high stress performance.

I find that the amount I take allows me to feel in control while still enjoying a small and beneficial amount of adrenaline.

Morning of routine: I don't really have one. I choose not to practice this morning in the hotel and will instead arrive early at the audition site and practice in the group room. I have eaten a banana and a small piece of multigrain bread, had some water, and clearly my beta blocker. I'm watching the news and waiting for the time to leave. My audition time is between 9-10 am. I awoke at 6:15. Lots of time to keep myself from rushing at the last minute.

Audition Thoughts Part 3

Originally blogged May 6, 2012


 When I started taking auditions in 2008 I would arrive several days early to allow me adequate time to "acclimatize." The flaw with that plan for me was having to practice and work on reeds in a hotel room.  I have never once been reported to a front desk. However, because I am so deeply self-conscious about disturbing hotel guests, I believe I did more damage than good in those final days before the audition trying to play very cautiously in hotel rooms.

After several auditions I adopted a new "turn-and-burn" practice. Arrive the night before, fly out the morning after. This has only been possible since becoming confident about preparing my reeds for the elevation change.

Tonight I was very pleased to find that my high elevation reed prep was spot on. My reeds are responsive and in tune! Huge relief. After trying only 4 of my 21 reeds that are with me, I'm happy to see that the reeds I anticipated would be appropriate are just as they should be. I only played for a few minutes because every time I hear a door slam, I anticipate an irritated hotel guest banging on my door. In addition, I have learned that trying to cram a practice session in after flying is a profoundly bad idea. So glad I was completely prepared before arriving!

I went out for Subway and got lots of free veggies on my veggie delight sub. Then I headed over to the audition site to check timing and passed 2 missionaries on bikes - a good sign? After that I went to Winn Dixie for some bananas and some artisan multigrain for breakfast and snacking tomorrow. I got back to my room only to discover that the cashier put the previous customer's half gallon of ice cream and cheesecake in my bag along with my items. No wonder it was so heavy! If I advance tomorrow morning maybe I will indulge in this sweet treat.

All in all I feel good about tomorrow. I'm a little concerned about the A/C in my room but have it turned quite low. I will enjoy some free cable and clean my bassoon and then turn in and *hopefully* fall asleep rather early.

Audition Thoughts Part 2

Originally blogged May 6, 2012

Final reed selection for me takes place 2 days before I leave. Because ALL of my auditions thus far have been at sea level, I have learned to leave my reeds a little heavy and 10 cents sharp. This has been hard to do on my current Fox 601 setup. Last year I bought a Heckel CDE1 to raise my pitch but generally my pitch is a little under on this setup.  I don't mind sitting slightly flat until I drop elevation.

Reed preparation begins several weeks out as I anticipate the change in elevation and the need to make sharper reeds. My philosophy on reed making is that reeds are like kids. You can't force them to do anything, but you can nurture their positive attributes. Therefore I don't set out to make a high reed, low reed, solo reed etc. I simply start taking off cane and whatever the reed shows itself to be, I go with it.

Thus, making reeds in volume, for me, is necessary. Especially when preparing second bassoon audition reeds. That requires a specific type of reed and I have to allow that reed to present itself from the blanks I have ready. I feel like this method of reed making is very stress-free. I have a LOT of reeds constantly going and rotating and I find that with high volume, low stress, I pretty much never have a reed crisis. I also keep every reed in my cataloging system so I can go back and reuse as needed.

I'm grateful for my early teachers who encouraged me to hone my reed making skills as a young student. The consistent wisdom from each of them: make hundreds of reeds!

This evening when I check into the hotel will be the moment of truth: did I leave them hard enough, sharp enough, dark enough to give me the low elevation reeds I need and want.

We'll see!