Audition Thoughts Part 16

Originally blogged June 3, 2013



I don't think there will ever be a day when we hop on the plan to go somewhere exotic for vacation.  Knowing this, I have learned to try and enjoy every audition trip like a small, tax deductible vacation.  When I saw the audition post for Naples Phil I had two thoughts: this would be a good audition to take, it would be a fantastic reason to hang out with my best friend.

It's important to realize that I'm not at all eager to leave my wonderful position and our very happy life here in Great Falls.  However, taking auditions is just part of what musicians do - like going to the dentist to keep your teeth in good health.  Auditions keep you aware, relevant, and every once in a while even give you the opportunity to move into a "better" position.  The reality is, because of my responsibilities here and being busy with life, I simply did not prepare this audition the way I have prepared others.  I spent only a few practice sessions learning the surprisingly large number of non-traditional excerpts they had on the list.

Once there, I was so consumed with happiness to be with my best friend that I really didn't care about what happened with the audition.

We woke up on Sunday morning, shared Cuban pastries and fresh fruit as a family, sat out on the patio, went to Mass and then got on the road to head over to Naples.

Our hotel in Naples was absolutely stunning!  Arriving on the Gulf Coast for four days it was near impossible to remember that I was there to "work" and not just play in the ocean, eat food, and lounge in hot tubs and pools.

I think those could be used to make contrabassoon reeds!

View from our balcony.

THE AUDITION

Monday morning was the prelim round for the audition.  It was HOT & HUMID but the prelim list was standard so I just focused on playing the excerpts the way I know they need to be played and looked forward to hitting the beach and eating some great food when it was done.  I really felt nothing about the audition.  I was grateful for the opportunity to put my audition skills to the test.  I knew I could play all the excerpts well, and I trusted that going through the motions would, at the very least, highlight any deficiencies I might want/need to address. I have noticed that my playing over the past season has improved vastly in many areas including my ability to run through standard excerpts at a high level.  However, I was truly SHOCKED when my number was called to advance to semi-finals!

I have learned a LOT over the past 15 auditions and prayer before an audition is a must.  Not because you ask God to win, but because you ask God to give you peace with whatever is about to happen.

I went back to the hotel room and after N. left to play her audition, I immediately pulled out all the excerpts I had NOT prepared with diligence.  I texted my Guru who agreed to do a "cell-phone-hotel-room" lesson later in the afternoon. I practiced for a few hours and then welcomed the rest once N. returned from her audition.  We did a little shopping until I needed to be back for my rather hasty cellphone lesson.  It was amazing to connect with my bassoon Guru and review all the excerpts in detail.  It made me a little sad that I had not been more diligent with my preparation as I realized that I had a very real shot at winning a job that pays twice what I make now.  My Guru and I discussed the challenge of constantly going after "the job" versus enjoying the peace of accepting where you are at.  My Guru is amazing!  I can't help but realize how her mentoring has changed my life - inspiring me to see what I am capable of and helping to navigate my path toward achieving those dreams.  I know that I have been blessed by her wisdom and insight countless times and giving me a lesson/pep-talk over the phone was just another amazing reminder of how incredible it is to even have a Bassoon Guru in my life. 

The next morning I was a mess!  I allowed myself to imagine winning the job and then started obsessing about the implications: my current signed contract, another move, cost of living, public schools etc. etc. etc.

N. led me in an incredible devotional that reminded me that God was looking over this whole experience and that a closed door in Naples simply meant an open door somewhere else.  It was wonderful to kneel in prayer again, surrendering to His will and finding peace in knowing that I had nothing to lose.  The semi-finals, exactly as I had anticipated was all about the excerpts I had not prepared.  I knew I was sunk with Beethoven 9 but I still enjoyed the process, the new dress my husband allowed me purchase for advancing, and meeting a fantastic fellow bassoonist while waiting for results.

With the relief of another audition in the bag and a modicum of success to report, N. and I headed out to the beach and to explore Naples.  It is a gorgeous city but HOT & HUMID!  I have been living in the mountain west for long enough to be absolutely traumatized by that kind of humidity.  Great Falls, Montana --> Naples, Florida is probably the most extreme difference I have ever traveled between: weather, culture, demographics.

Chillin' in the Seattle airport...

I want to record my final thoughts on audition #15.

There are certain things which seem to ensure that I will do well at an audition:

1. Purchase a new home
2. Put a home under contract
3. Travel with a loved one
4. Give up completely on any idea that I will win/that I have control
5. Have total faith in God that only if it's His plan, will it happen for me
6. Practice...all the excerpts

There are certain things which seem to ensure that I will not do well at an audition:

1. Care a lot about winning
2. Start thinking about home values and cost of living
3. Fret over changing schools for my son and IEP meetings
4. Fail to prepare the ENTIRE rep list
5. Manage my time poorly and not carve out the time required to prepare the rep list
6. Make last second reed changes

All in all, after updating my running list of auditions, I see that the last three auditions have gone VERY well for me.  It transformed my perspective on living in Great Falls.  What felt like the ONLY option now feels like a choice as I realize that I am good enough to compete for higher paying jobs.  I'm not in any rush to leave but now I know that if there comes a time when we feel ready to leave, I will be equal to the challenge.

I feel strongly about the importance of having a support system in place for these auditions.  Seeing the success of my last 3 auditions I have to acknowledge that for those three auditions I had family with me (including my best friend who I consider family.)  Sitting in a hotel room before and after auditions, feeling lonely and trapped in the anxiety before the audition and then the frustration after the audition is a dark place.  Being with someone who can help temper that and keep you in perspective is invaluable.  This audition confirmed for me that if I want to take an audition seriously, I need to bring someone in my support system with me. 

Audition Thoughts Part 15

Originally blogged June 13, 2012

Auditions Part DONE! ...for now...

Where every adventure begins: early in the morning with skies that promise the possibility of anything.
  

We arrived in Omaha just in time to be greeted by torrential rain, an incredible lightening storm, and even hail!  The Boy was beyond excited to see this weather brewing on the outskirts.

The audition went well!  I played all the excerpts and then stood up to leave but was asked to go back to replay the third excerpt (from Brahms 3.)  This surprised me and in that moment I got flustered.  Fortunately I was not nervous for the audition at all - and I did not take the beta blocker.  I was nervous during breakfast and in the car ride over but once I got into the warm up room and then onstage, I really felt fine.

My guru informs me that the panel will only ask you to replay an excerpt if members of the panel intend to vote for you.  These were good indications of a well played audition.  In most of my auditions I have been stopped early (minus Louisiana but having done that one twice, I think they just let everyone play all the excerpts.)    I'm trying to remember if I played all of them for Birmingham.  Maybe.  But this definitely marks the next step in my audition progress.

I had to wait almost 2 hours in the warm up room to play.  That was very a-typical in my experience.  Plus there was ample time in the group room.  Fortunately, I was able to catch up on all the latest audition gossip.  Two of the bassoonists who advanced in Alabama played in my group and both advanced in Omaha as well.  One went on to win the Alabama audition and I imagine, he likely won Omaha as well.  I heard his Alabama audition and it was flawless.  Honestly, it has inspired me to achieve a higher level audition since I heard it a few weeks ago.

I have been cautioned not to listen to what is happening around me in auditions.  While it can be distracting in the moment, listening to others at auditions has motivated me to play better, hold myself to a higher standard and informed my concept of what is popular on the audition circuit.  That is the educational nature of the audition: not just learning from what happens to you on stage but learning from what happens to others.  This is why there is/needs to be a HUGE emphasis on attending auditions.  When you hear and meet your competition - and you see many of the same musicians during one audition season - you learn quickly where you fit in the crowd.

The best part of this audition is that regardless of what happened, I had a job secured for the fall.  Just guessing now, but probably of the 36 bassoonists who attended, they advanced 8 - 10 into semi finals with 1 person winning or 2 people earning a trial.  While those who advanced and those who won likely enjoyed an incredible sense of hard-earned and deserved accomplishment; in the end, only 1 will secure the position.  But of the 8-10 who felt for a moment that they had risen to the top, 9 will head back to school, or free-lance work, or day jobs.  Fortunately, I will begin my first salaried orchestral position in September.  That is the lottery of auditions.  One week you win one, the next week  you don't even advance.  This is why you MUST take as many as you can - for that one day when everything aligns in your favor.  
These are the EXACT things my Guru has been teaching me since my first audition in 2008 and in the four years I have been auditioning, these are the realities I have come to experience first hand.

 

 

This is where every adventure ends: feeling exhausted and burned out.  As usual, it was wonderful to pull into our hazy Salt Lake Valley, unload the car, make dinner in my beautiful new kitchen and simply count the abundance of blessings in our lives.  We are blessed beyond comprehension.

Today officially begins my summer.  Here's my summer activities as they currently stand:

• reed making -  LOTS of reed making, reeds for a principal bassoon player
• orchestral rep prep -  getting all the rep for next season into my fingers
• Trio de Bois rep prep -  tackling Villa-Lobos and preparing for our trip to Juilliard to work with the Imani Winds
• national guard - 'tis the season for outdoor concerts, weekend tours, parades, and lots of drill - always grateful when free lance gigs become sparse and national guard gets busy
• beginner bassoon class in American Fork -  3 weeks of forming the next generation of bassoonists
• renting out our home - finding suitable renters who won't destroy our completely redone property
• renting a new home in Great Falls - finding time to head up there to look for a rental home for the season
• securing a new job for the hubby - no PepBoys in Great Falls so he's on the market and submitting resumes everywhere
• moving - AGAIN!  Packing up and reducing even though we really have very little due to the four others moves we have undertaken since 2007.
• do fun things with the boy - somehow, somewhere we always manage to fit in the fun stuff

I did formally resign from Utah Wind Symphony...but that is a whole other post.  Otherwise, I think my summer should be suitably productive!

Audition Thoughts Part 14

This post will accomplish two goals.  1 - share pics from our awesome trip to Montana...where I won a job!  2 - explore my thoughts and feelings after winning the audition and preparing for another audition after winning the audition.

Saw this in Helena, the capitol city of Montana and got a laugh out of it.  Below is a pic of what will be our new state capitol when we become residents of Montana.

This week has been bizarre.  I have gone through a range of emotions.  Excitement at winning, stupor at the idea of moving --again, narcissism because of all the congratulations I have received and the many wonderful conversations with people wanting to know all about it, and finally fear over not being able to do well in the position and uprooting our family for my professional goals.
  

This week has made me very hyper-aware of my playing.  Much more than I usually am.  As I sat through trio rehearsals and Utah Wind Symphony rehearsals I kept thinking, "Is that how a principal bassoonist would play that?"  Every time I made a mistake I thought, "Well, that won't get you tenured anywhere!"  I received the rep list for next season and realized how much work I have to do this summer to get ready so I don't show up unprepared.  I'm also thinking again that I should go back to darker reeds.

I also feel exhausted - from my soul to my head and down to my toes.  I have prepared 4 auditions in 5 weeks.  I have done this amount before but not so close together.  Yesterday after trio rehearsal I had the following texting conversation with my Guru:

Me:  Augh, I'm really close to backing out from this audition trip to Omaha on Sunday.  just tell me what to do.

Guru: Go!!!!  That's an order!  Haha!  You're on a roll!

Me:  Sigh...okay...I'm going.  Thank you!

Guru:  :)  I will think of you working hard while I am playing in the ocean...
Me:  Now that's just straight mean!  LOL!

The point is, I have had a very hard time gearing up for ONE MORE audition when I feel like I've won the perfect job for me right now.  Plus, this week has been crazy with national guard, trio rehearsals, Utah Wind Symphony finale concert, and family visiting.  My practice time has been very limited and very frantic AND there is 1 excerpt I've NEVER prepared and another one I haven't prepared since last year.  

But then there is that nagging idea that...maybe I could win it.  Just maybe. 

That's what keeps musicians hot on the audition trail.  The idea that *just maybe* they could win this one.

This audition on Monday is going to be a whole new experience.  My husband, and son, and dog are ALL coming along for the ride.  I really, REALLY don't care what happens.  I always say that but for this one, I seriously don't care.  I am not going to take a beta blocker.  This is merely an experiment because I am wondering if the beta blocker is inhibiting my playing.  Also, in many ways I feel extremely prepared - minus two excerpts.  A lot of the excerpts I think I could play in my sleep.  My Guru has told me many times that I should be able to wake up at 2 am, sit down and play the excerpts (I swear my Guru has a secret wish to be a Drill Sergeant.  If there was a musical boot camp, she would run it.) and I feel like I have achieved that for many of them.  I'm not crazy about my reeds, they all feel bright and I know I need a darker sound for these second auditions but I needed a brighter reed for UWS and trio this week and THEREIN lies the challenge of reed-making:  the difference between what you are doing at home and what you need to do at an audition.  I'm really blessed with an abundance of good reeds and I've never really had an audition where I didn't like my reeds.  This week though, I might be less than pleased with my reed selection.  Fortunately, I can always dig deeper into the reserves.
       

Our Montana trip was beyond stunning!  

When we got to Tremonton on Monday the haze from Salt Lake Valley was already visible.  It made me want to move to Montana immediately.

Audition Thoughts Part 11

Originally blogged June 1, 2012

Lest ye forget...

 ...your deodorant and beta blockers.

Put on your husband's deodorant and eat bananas.

Just played...made a lot of small but stupid mistakes. *SCREAM*

There are only 4 bassoonists at this audition, carefully selected from resumes and CD's. In a way, I feel like I already won a little something with that.

This audition is different in so many ways:

-my husband is with me
-we drove
-it's a remote western city
-I forgot my stinkin' beta blocker *SCREAM*
-I played my Mozart very differently from how I've done it in the past...hopefully the "right" way
-it's a Principal audition
-my husband wants me to win it
-I over-practiced 2 days ago which is profoundly bad

Audition Thoughts Part 4

Originally blogged May 7, 2012


 Beta Blockers

The fact is, everyone is taking them. Every professional musician I have ever asked admits using them and credits winning their job to having a beta blocker in their system. I do not believe that this qualifies as a metaphor for jumping off the Brooklyn bridge along with other wayward souls.  I do believe in evening out the playing field.

I don't believe that I have any extraordinary performance anxiety. However, when you dump thousands of dollars into flights, hotels, rental cars, lessons, etc in pursuit of "the job", you do start to care...a lot. That desire to justify your expense certainly adds a lot of pressure and that pressure can make anyone sweat.

I have tried the beta blocker you see here and another one that was way too strong for me. I took the stronger one when I auditioned for Knoxville and had to be awoken in my warm up room to play the audition. Clearly I was too calm! I have settled on this medication, taking 1 tablet about 2 hours before the audition. I don't take these regularly, these are reserved for auditions and the occasional very high stress performance.

I find that the amount I take allows me to feel in control while still enjoying a small and beneficial amount of adrenaline.

Morning of routine: I don't really have one. I choose not to practice this morning in the hotel and will instead arrive early at the audition site and practice in the group room. I have eaten a banana and a small piece of multigrain bread, had some water, and clearly my beta blocker. I'm watching the news and waiting for the time to leave. My audition time is between 9-10 am. I awoke at 6:15. Lots of time to keep myself from rushing at the last minute.