Taking on Associate Dean

Edited from original post, Facebook April 30, 2025 - be sure to read about what happened next.

TL,DR: I'm the new Associate Dean of Student Success in the BYU-Idaho College of Performing and Visual Arts (Music, Dance, Theater, Visual Art) and I went after it.

A screen shot of a humble announcement.

*TRIGGER WARNING* - “Ambitious” Woman (insert gasp and pearl clutching)

A Reflection:

A few of my colleagues/friends might be shocked (appalled?) to read this. But, as my reflection posts seem to have some kind of interest to my network, I share here the story of becoming an Associate Dean and working through professional pivots. (This will be different from the @fempower post if you already read that.)

I made a very concerted effort to secure a new job this year, applying to three positions at different universities. I even gained some traction from one. The other two didn't respond to my materials - a sad tradition in higher education despite the effort of time it takes to curate and submit materials.

I also resigned from work with two different orchestras. I currently have no orchestral gig-work for the first time since... ever?

Why? Great question, I'm glad you asked. Because, as is common for many when you are mid-career, I thought maybe I had one more BIG REACH in me. I had/have frustrations that I felt would never be resolved in my current work. Musicians are trained to play higher, faster, louder and this manifests for me in my career aspirations: influence, inspire, produce! (But using my powers for good!) It was time to either prove to myself that 20+ years of work across many areas of the music industry were of interest to anyone else. The answer is: NO.

*BTW, if you are reading this and you are trying to catch the eye of a new employer and having a hard time, just remember: 20+ years is also a hard sell for various reasons. Stick with it. My husband calls it the bar theory: you proposition enough people, someone will say yes. (He has such elegant metaphors.)

My closest friends/colleagues listened to me swing the full spectrum of: I have to get out of here -- I will never get out of here -- I need to show up in a new way. This meant stretching myself professionally in a different modality. For the first time, it wasn't going to be as a bassoonist, it was going to need to be in a new direction within the work I currently have.

Within my rather fiery nature, I find it hard to watch or be acted upon by circumstances not of my making. But in a large bureaucratic environment, you have to be sitting in the right rooms with the right people to have any hope of pushing change in meaningful ways.

~Three years ago, our faculty survey revealed that female faculty were suffering from critical levels of burnout. ~Two years later, that level had increased in female faculty while male faculty burnout had decreased. Our university President decided to create a task force to go after this deeply concerning issue. When they solicited for college representatives (for me that is the College of Visual and Performing Arts: Music, Dance, Theater, Visual Art) I jumped at the chance and was given the opportunity. As a Presidential Task Force (now transitioning to a committee with no end date) we suddenly had access outside the normal framework. This has allowed us to take meaningful and actionable steps. It’s a very exciting space that I can already see pushing the needle in the right direction across 5 areas of focus.

Advocate for Women. Check.

For seven years, I have chaired the Student Success Committee in my department - and I love it! We have the mandate to create co-curricular activities for students during their studies and as they transition to their next steps. I want many things for my students but top among them is connecting their passion for music with a VIBRANT career aligning with their goals. It is my belief that a college education should indulge your passion, fuel your knowledge, and lead to a lifetime of work that provides for you economically.

When it became clear that I was going nowhere, I decided I needed to get activated for my students in a much larger way. I set a meeting with my Dept Chair and ended it by stating, “I don’t know how this process works but I want to state unequivocally, I want to be the new Associate Dean of Student Success for our college.” He was supportive.

THE VERY NEXT DAY our college dean was in my office (I call it Bassoon Land and it’s a very fun place). We chatted for most of an hour and I’m not embarrassed to admit that I made a high power sales pitch for the position that several people were being considered to fill. But here’s the truth, in the culture of our campus, MANY faculty treat positions like a “calling” to which they have to say yes… and then they complain. When an acquaintance of mine shared with me last fall that they had been made Assoc Dean of Student Success in another college and then said to me, “I didn’t want it.” I was GUTTED! This is such important work and it killed me that the opportunities were being given to people who didn’t have interest.

The process moved very quickly as the person I was replacing had a pressing need to be replaced after working as Assoc Dean for ~6 years.

*Let’s make a distinction between a work position within a contractual agreement and a service calling. One is paid, one is not. Let me know if you disagree and let’s discuss.

Synchronicity worked its magic and the position was offered to me.

Then I found it very interesting that in sharing my news, I was met with various levels of “My condolences.” That was sad to me and I started responding, “No, I asked for this. It’s important to me.” Such interesting reactions to my statement that, I’m relieved to say, were all eventually supportive . But they represented to me how pervasive the practice of, “Let’s throw out an invitation to a few to be a change-maker and see who acquiesces.” Malicious? No. Unintentional? IMO. Is there far greater nuance to these decisions that I am not sharing here: OF COURSE. I know I’m being reductive.

(Did I write an entire article about Intentional Mentoring with very compelling statistics? Yes, I did! Because, as mentioned several times already: it’s really important to me.)

In summary, I am EXCITED and PROUD to share a screen shot that in no way says I’m Assoc Dean but it’s inferred. Also, an email that mentions it. It’s OK. Not everyone is jazzed up about admin work. No shade. We all have a place and purpose and all of us are essential.

Advocate for Students: Check.

I will remain in my position as Professor of Bassoon, Music Technology, and Chamber Music.

Advocate for Bassoonists: Check.

I refuse to accept that this is the kind of pride and ambition so often indicted by many voices. I state: when you want to change something, when you want to do work you care about, you have to go after it. Does the needle get pushed so very slowly? Yes! But imagine if we never tried? It’s a risk I don’t want to take with my department, college, and university.

Ask me again in about five years.

BYU-Idaho Sustainability and Advocacy

Edited from original version: Facebook June 8, 2025

GPBC 2025 Panel Discussion:
Performance Anxiety
Lenny Hindel, Barry Stees, Amber Ferenz,
Steve Dibner, Me, John Steinmetz,
Dr. Margaret Fay, Dr. Sasha Enegren

TL,DR: once again, advocate for the ARTS

BYUI Program Sustainability

https://www.byui.edu/academic-priorities/

I did a substantial load redistribution this semester so I could attend two conferences to represent BYU Idaho Department of Music and BYU-Idaho -- and then I took on a new administrative role -- AND THEN we learned that the entire University, including the college of Performing and Visual Arts was under a program sustainability review. The whiplash of joy and inspiration in my field with the stress of fearing the future of VITAL and VIBRANT programs has been a rollercoaster. I have Zoomed into meetings, sent emails, rage cried, and processed with colleagues while trying to soak up learning so I can be a better educator, mentor, collaborator and performer.

And I have questioned, WHY? What's the point if we continue to build a world that seeks to replace humanity with automation?

To that I say:

Get to a concert.

Go to an art gallery.

Take note of all the cool murals you see when you travel.

Drop a few dollars the next time you listen to a busker.

Keep paying for piano lessons.

Attend your 4th of July parade and cheer for the bands.

Sing along to your favorite playlists in the car.

Hum while you work.

Enjoy those movie soundtracks.

Watch short form content.

Learn something on YT.

Color with your children.

Plant flower beds.

Go to a park.

Take in a comedy show.

Dance with your friends.

Participate in community theater.

Attend professional theater shows.

And then ask yourself: where does all this beauty come from?

Artists. Creatives. Creators.

Then send emails, make donations, and DEMAND that the ARTS remain in your communities and especially within education. There are almost 3,000,000 jobs in the fine arts, a multi-billion industry across many disciplines (you can confirm that through the Bureau of Labor Statistics).

Oh! And the arts actually make humans and communities better!

TO MY BYUI students:

We are seeing your posts and hearing your questions and confusion. Your degrees are safe and you will finish them. We are working hard behind-the-scenes to prove (again) that our degrees = abundant careers. We ARE working to innovate and transform. There are over 3,000 students in the CPVA. We want you here! Our programs are excellent and WILL improve as we work to prepare you for careers in 2025 and beyond. This is a review process. It's very complex and we simply don't know exactly what will be determined.

Alumni - look in your emails for alumni surveys and please complete them. Also, be sure we have good contact information for you by going to BYUI Alumni Update Information.

*

We have a college with 80%+ female students, a department with 60%+ female students, and among the highest concentration of female faculty on campus. In addition to engaging in the critical tasks of proving why our programs are credible, we are also facing a less tangible cultural travesty = the professional pursuits of Women.

Bassoon @ BYU-Idaho: Because it's awesome!

 https://www.byui.edu/music/apply

Manhattan School of Music in Great Falls, Montana

Originally posted to FB December 21, 2012

This evening, I had a fun little gig playing "solo bassoon" with a clarinet quartet started by our Principal Clarinetist.  It was at a local nursing home, performing Christmas tunes for their annual Christmas dinner.  As I was warming up, a gentleman at the table closest to us remarked, "That sure looks like a bassoon!"  Since most people can't even identify my instrument, I was delighted to discover he had a background in music.  He told me he had played "a lot of bass drum and cymbals" but that he had occasion to be around bassoons quite often while studying at the Manhattan School of Music ...more than 60 years ago. 

His name is William "Bill" Dolena, a native of NYC, who was a piano major at MSM in the early 1940's.  When WWII broke out, specifically the attack on Pearl Harbor, he enlisted with the Marine Corps band and was sent over seas.  It was then that he played "a lot of bass drum and cymbals" but wasn't often able to get his hands on the piano.  By the time the war ended and he returned to the states, his piano skills had deteriorated substantially.  Sadly, he was never able to finish his studies at MSM with the difficulty of the war.  There's much more to the story, but he ended up in Great Falls, MT where he made a living as a piano technician until the passage of life placed him in a care facility, with his wife - which is where I met him this evening - now 97 years of age!

I can't express how touched I was, discovering another New Yorker, MSM alum and fellow military musician, in such an unexpected place.  My story, though 50 years later, was quite similar.  I was a student at MSM when I joined the Army National Guard Band in New York.  Fortunately, I was able to finish my degree (B.M. 2002) before choosing to go on active duty to perform with Army Bands after the sobering events of September 11, 2001.  It was a joy to perform simple Christmas songs for him, which brought him, and all the residents some holiday cheer.  As I packed up my bassoon to leave, he asked for my name again and said, "I'm going to look you up so us two New Yorkers can go out partying together!" 

Who She Was, Who I Am

Originally posted to FB on May 15, 2023. 

Unplanned travel changes allowed us a brief drive through Altenburg, home of the now defunct East-West International Music Festival in which I played the summer of 2000. Economic abundance seems to continue to pass by this far-flung village. My German language skills were much better 23 years ago. The hotel for the orchestra has fallen into decay but the town's historic charm remains. My heart is filled as I recall the young woman who walked these streets, her dreams and goals. Incredible how different it all turned out. A year later the whole world changed, my aspirations with it. I was 19 turning 20 the summer I came to Germany, brave, naive, hopeful. I had no idea how capable I was, how powerful I could be in my own life, how narrow my vision was for possibilities beyond the one sacred path taught to conservatory students. There are so many words I wish had been spoken to me. Those are the words, the messages, the wisdom I give to my students now. Sometimes I fear obsolescence as I go about my work as a bassoonist in the isolation of eastern Idaho. But the juxtaposition of the woman I am today with the young woman of 2000...lìfetimes have been lived. There is so much to give, to share, to teach, even if only a fraction of it, if any, is absorbed by students. Perhaps this moment is the most important moment of my sabbatical.

New England Music Camp

Originally posted to FB on August 19,m 2023

During the summers of 1995 and 1996, I was privileged to receive scholarship to attend New England Music Camp. This life-changing experience opened my eyes to the possibilities and opportunities available to me as a "pretty good" high school bassoonist. It is where I met Michael J. Burns who deeply inspired me as a young performer. I would subsequently attend the UNCG Honor Band for two years. One of which was lead by the great conductor of the "The President's Own" United States Marine Band Colonel John R. Bourgeois (my first exposure to military bands). NEMC was where I met Kara Dago-Clark and first learned of Manhattan School of Music. The ripple effect of these formative experiences cannot be quantified but highlight the long, circuitous, and adventure-filled road to the career I enjoy today. I'm so grateful to Howard Warner, who met me when he was an adjudicator for NYSSMA all-county in Perry, NY, and encouraged me to WRITE A LETTER to seek admission to the camp (yes, write an actual letter). I'll go one more step back and AGAIN thank Raymond Suriani who encouraged his students to participate in the annual NYSSMA festivals. It was an absolute joy to see the NEMC campus 27 years later and to share it with my husband Ken Crawford who has heard MANY ridiculous stories of my camp adventures.

Trust Your Work

A reflection follows. Originally posted to FB February 29, 2024.

Things I say to students:

Always work with a metronome with subdivisions.

Make a lot of reeds.

Trust your work, accept that things will still go wrong.

Sitting in an airport reflecting on what has honestly been a wildly chaotic week+ leading up to my departure for SHE Festival for a Kari Cruver Medina Sasquatch: Sightings premier and leading a panel discussion "De-bunking the 2-Path Career Myth."

So. Many. Things. Have. Not. Gone. Smoothly.

My rigidity does not like that.

Last minute instrument switch. Trauma-drama at work. Challenging professional communication. TOUGH meetings. Long days, short time. Too many emotions. Some I could control, a lot I couldn't. Which is why the most fundamental skills musically, professionally, and emotionally have felt particularly crucial.

1 - I'm taking 31 reeds for a 5,000 1,500 foot elevation drop and ~30° temperature increase. Excessive? No. With 31 reeds, I am 100% confident that there will be no crisis. I know 1 reed will be perfect and I won't feel badly destroying 10 to get there. (New, old, ugly, pretty, finished, unfinished, every shape, every length, they all get a chance...though some went straight to the grave.)

2 - I'm trusting long-tone work (which I believe is the FASTEST way to learn a bassoon) to ensure I can play a bassoon, that I picked up on Monday, will suit me and respect my quartet colleagues. (After months of trying to find an acceptable solution.)

3 - I'm trusting that efficient and effective practice, with score study, and many markings will allow 2-ish rehearsals to be adequate for 4 pro musicians to pull together 1 peice.

4 - Packed anxiety meds because I accept that I'm fragile around stress. Acceptance.

Lessons learned, lessons taught.

Finally, I AM SO EXCITED to gather with friends and colleagues from around the country for an inspiring weekend of music and learning.

The Story Behind the Music

A reflection follows: the story behind the music. Originally posted to FB March 14, 2024

In 2015, the Chinook Winds Great Falls Symphony were invited to film a 60-minute episode of the Emmy winning 11th & Grant with Eric Funk. I wish I could remember exactly how it all came to be. My iteration of the CW had worked hard for three years performing, engaging, touring, and energizing the community in Great Falls and around Montana. We were embraced by a devoted community, concert presenters, and wonderful audiences. Northeastern Arts Network, Montana Montana Performing Arts Consortium

In addition to our invitation to film with 11th and Grant in the summer of 2015, we were also invited to present a recital at the International Horn Society in Los Angeles and International Double Reed Society in Japan! Outside our contracted activities, we spent the summer raising money in a grass roots campaign. We performed the National Anthem at a Great Falls Voyagers game and Electric City Speedway. We "passed-the-bucket" at community events, sold lollipops, t-shirts, pencils, stickers. We gave pop-up concerts, started on on-line donation page, and I even put a MASSIVE magnet on the side of the minivan. (It lives on my file cabinet to this day.)

We made it to 11th & Grant and to the International Horn Symposium conference that summer. We weren't able to make it to Japan. Many, many people came together to make it all possible and we were so excited to TELL THE STORY of live, classical music in Montana! Montana Public Radio

The night before we filmed this episode, we traveled to Bozeman where we had hotel accommodations. I got sick. REALLY, REALLY SICK. I always travel with a thermometer (I have no idea why). I had a fever around 102 degrees all night. But I was desperate, DESPERATE not to let down my colleagues and ruin this AMAZING opportunity for the CW and the GFSA. I had sadly gone through a miscarriage a few weeks prior and likely was working through some complications or an infection. Melanie was the only member of the CW who even knew about the miscarriage...because she was family. (She always thought of me as a mom...I always thought of her as a sister...LOL!)

In this episode (which I encourage you to watch, because we are AMAZING) I am playing a Légère Reeds which I switched to for the 2014-2015 season because we had to:

- homeschool our son in addition to

- performing with the GFSA

- the Chinook Winds

- the Billings Symphony tenured principal

- the Helena Symphony (subbing/extra)

- about to start teaching at University of Montana -thanks to the gracious Dr. Jennifer Gookin Cavanaugh

I simply could not manage reed making and that Legere reed saved me for an entire season. My colleagues were so gracious, totally absent of judgement that I had turned to a "plastic" reed to help me survive the many demands I was juggling...because they were family. I returned to reed making that fall because I took on a university position and knew I needed to find a way to make it all happen for the integrity of my pedagogy. Natalie Law

I am so proud of this episode. We had a huge premier party which we hoped would make some money. There was a great turnout and we filled the cozy basement of the The Celtic Cowboy. It was amazing to feel so loved and to see the fruits of our labors. Sadly, the premier party netted literally ~$11 once all expenses were paid to host it. I will never forget the meeting in which Carolyn Keightley Valacich ran through the finances with us. I felt so guilty and frustrated about all the work it required. But the GFSA supported the effort and celebrated our work.

This is a long story but it captures the complexity of the passion, work, hopes, sacrifices, frustrations, victories, heartaches, and financial challenges of trying to create art in rural Montana. It was truly an extraordinary time in my career. My gratitude is immeasurable. My heart breaks for I Stand With The Chinook Winds as they sunset the incredible legacy of this ~30-year-old ensemble.

Thank you for reading this whole story (if you are still here) and THANK YOU for supporting live music wherever you are. PLEASE support your local arts organizations, symphonies, art museums, bands, and individual musicians. Don't assume they will always be there protecting the experience of human connection through music and other art forms. It takes a HUGE and INTENTIONAL effort. Please choose to be a part of it, try it, support it, and let it change you.

https://www.pbs.org/video/11th-and-grant-chinook-winds/