Today I am exponentially more irritated than I was yesterday. After the audition I enjoyed some phone conversations totally unrelated to the audition and then drove to Baton Rouge to see an old battle buddy I went through boot camp with 11 years ago. That was very special! We shared a lot of hilarious memories, looked at pictures where I weigh about 140 lbs. and look very fit. That was the ultimate diversion. If I was really intelligent I would have spent some of my visit in Baton Rouge playing excerpts for the bassoon prof at LSU.
This day, the day after, I'm tired and irritated because I have such a late flight and I really just want to be home.
Here is where my thoughts have taken me today. All are rather reactionary and all could be accurate and also totally inaccurate. This blogging series is about capturing the essence of what goes through my mind through-out this process, unfiltered. Here is my stream of consciousness for the past 24 hours:
- 3 people advanced from my group, 2 had the same teacher, and neither was better than me. No ego, no narcissism, just reporting what I heard very clearly in the warm up.
- Either people are lying to me or these auditions are on the fix.
- Maybe I should spend less on auditions and more on traveling to play for different people. Maybe I should stop auditions all together.
- Restarting an excerpt, despite what people say, is not "acceptable."
- My best is simply not good enough.
- There must be something weird about my sound.
- Maybe I should apply for a post grad program - NOT a D.M.A.
- Going into the Army instead of doing a masters at Juilliard was apparently foolish.
- Working summers to keep some control on my student loan debt instead of going to the summer programs I was accepted to was also apparently foolish.
- Reading bios of musicians in the orchestra was depressing.
- This whole thing is stupid because I "could" win the next one.
- Maybe I should be taking principal auditions instead of second auditions. Maybe my sound isn't right for second.
- I'm going to ask to get the feedback on this audition just in case they might be willing this time.
- New Orleans smells like sweat, pee, and mold. The streets are really crappy and people drive like maniacs.
- I'm so fat! I'M SOOOOO FAT! Maybe if I was 26 and skinny again I would play differently.
- I should take more auditions.
- I should back out of the 3 I have to do this season.
- I wonder how many people think my playing is crap.
That's a decent summary. Most of those thoughts, I know, are meaningless but for the sake of recording the experience of the audition process, it's my honest rendering of my inner-conversation.
Really just wish I was home right now.