This post will accomplish two goals. 1 - share pics from our awesome trip to Montana...where I won a job! 2 - explore my thoughts and feelings after winning the audition and preparing for another audition after winning the audition.
Saw this in Helena, the capitol city of Montana and got a laugh out of it. Below is a pic of what will be our new state capitol when we become residents of Montana.
This week has been bizarre. I have gone through a range of emotions. Excitement at winning, stupor at the idea of moving --again, narcissism because of all the congratulations I have received and the many wonderful conversations with people wanting to know all about it, and finally fear over not being able to do well in the position and uprooting our family for my professional goals.
This week has made me very hyper-aware of my playing. Much more than I usually am. As I sat through trio rehearsals and Utah Wind Symphony rehearsals I kept thinking, "Is that how a principal bassoonist would play that?" Every time I made a mistake I thought, "Well, that won't get you tenured anywhere!" I received the rep list for next season and realized how much work I have to do this summer to get ready so I don't show up unprepared. I'm also thinking again that I should go back to darker reeds.
I also feel exhausted - from my soul to my head and down to my toes. I have prepared 4 auditions in 5 weeks. I have done this amount before but not so close together. Yesterday after trio rehearsal I had the following texting conversation with my Guru:
Me: Augh, I'm really close to backing out from this audition trip to Omaha on Sunday. just tell me what to do.
Guru: Go!!!! That's an order! Haha! You're on a roll!
Me: Sigh...okay...I'm going. Thank you!
Guru: :) I will think of you working hard while I am playing in the ocean...
Me: Now that's just straight mean! LOL!
The point is, I have had a very hard time gearing up for ONE MORE audition when I feel like I've won the perfect job for me right now. Plus, this week has been crazy with national guard, trio rehearsals, Utah Wind Symphony finale concert, and family visiting. My practice time has been very limited and very frantic AND there is 1 excerpt I've NEVER prepared and another one I haven't prepared since last year.
But then there is that nagging idea that...maybe I could win it. Just maybe.
That's what keeps musicians hot on the audition trail. The idea that *just maybe* they could win this one.
This audition on Monday is going to be a whole new experience. My husband, and son, and dog are ALL coming along for the ride. I really, REALLY don't care what happens. I always say that but for this one, I seriously don't care. I am not going to take a beta blocker. This is merely an experiment because I am wondering if the beta blocker is inhibiting my playing. Also, in many ways I feel extremely prepared - minus two excerpts. A lot of the excerpts I think I could play in my sleep. My Guru has told me many times that I should be able to wake up at 2 am, sit down and play the excerpts (I swear my Guru has a secret wish to be a Drill Sergeant. If there was a musical boot camp, she would run it.) and I feel like I have achieved that for many of them. I'm not crazy about my reeds, they all feel bright and I know I need a darker sound for these second auditions but I needed a brighter reed for UWS and trio this week and THEREIN lies the challenge of reed-making: the difference between what you are doing at home and what you need to do at an audition. I'm really blessed with an abundance of good reeds and I've never really had an audition where I didn't like my reeds. This week though, I might be less than pleased with my reed selection. Fortunately, I can always dig deeper into the reserves.
Our Montana trip was beyond stunning!
When we got to Tremonton on Monday the haze from Salt Lake Valley was already visible. It made me want to move to Montana immediately.